Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Fire-Roasted Garden Salsa



GET THESE:

  • 2 small jalapeƱos
  • 1 Serrano
  • 1/3 medium onion (keep em like patties)
  • 1 Roma tomato (slice it thick)
  • 1 lime or lime juice
  • Cilantro
  • Spices (salt, black pepper, cumin, garlic)
DIRECTIONS:
  1. Half-hazardly toss peppers, onion slices, and tomato slices on grill. 
  2. Keep tomatoes on until they start giving up on being tomato shaped and have a little black on em.
  3. Keep onions on one side until they have fancy grill marks then flip and wait some more. Fancy onion patties, yo!
  4. Keep peppers on and rotate until they look bubbly and terribly diseased. Mmmm.... bubonic plague.
  5. Pull the black, diseased skin off the peppers then hack everything with a knife. Seriously, just go to town.
  6. Throw your mutilated vegetable flesh into a bowl and add spices, cilantro, and lime juice to taste.
  7. Have some self-respect and let your delicious ingredients get to know each other in the fridge while you watch a show.
  8. Stuff your face. You deserve it.

Keto Edition: Cheese and Meat... thing!

GET THESE:
  • 1 undefined amount of hamburger meat 
    • 70%-80% lean. Don't go 90% you health-nut.
  • 2 eggs 
    • Chicken preferably, but I'm not judging
  • A handful of cheese 
    • Any cheese except cottage
  • Chili Powder
  • Hot sauce (optional for the weak)
  • Lettuce (optional. I'm not your mom. You don't have to eat veggies.)
  • Salt (To taste.*) 
*If you've tasted salt before then use this to make it better.

DIRECTIONS:
  1. Throw meat, cheese, 1 egg, chili powder in a bowl.
  2. Mix up that meaty goodness with your bare hands like you're 6 years old again in a Silly Putty factory. Unless you're a kid who used to eat silly putty, then just mix it like an adult I guess.
  3. Put that beefy heaven into a frying pan and keep cooking until all red is gone (if it looks like 1992 Europe, you're close).
  4. Drain grease and set your cow concoction aside.
  5. Fry an egg. 'Nuf said.
  6. Put that bovine belly-filler on lettuce (optional) put sauce and salt and stuff on that (also optional... I guess) put a fried egg on top of everything. (mandatory)
  7. Consume this food that you made with your bare hands, you beast! (I mean this in a good way, stop being so sensitive.)